In and Out

Breathe with me... in, and out. 
In, and out. 
Again in, and out... 
Now out some more, 
out, 
all the way out, 
out til it hurts, 
then keep breathing out.

Life has rhythms. The tide has to come in before it can go out, you have to fill a dish before you can empty it, you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. That last one seems to be my lesson this life time.

I thought I'd learned after the psycho-ex, after the man-child, after the lump, but still I give too much too often and leave myself empty and running on fumes. There's no longer an anchor, a leech, or a vampire... now it's all me.

I'm saying yes to more than I can handle. I'm helping everyone under the sun except me. I'm making sure loved ones eat and sleep regularly, while ignoring my own physical needs. I'm putting on a brave face and powering through, when all I really want to do is sleep for a week solid.

Taking stock today: I haven't eaten enough the past few days, when I do eat it's usually junk, I'm dehydrated, I haven't been sleeping well, my bedroom's a disaster which keeps me from relaxing fully in it, I even haven't gotten to updating the address on my health-card yet.

This is not good.

I thrive when all my ducks are lined up neat and tidy. This chaos just breeds more chaos. I feel exhausted. I forget things. I feel too lazy to do the little tidying things that makes my room so much more comfortable. I'm too lazy to make food so I eat little besides what mom makes so I get even more tired. This is not a good spiral to be in. I want off this ride.

I kept telling myself that this month was a wash. Just power through and get-shit-done and next month I'll take the time to take care of my food, exercise, organization, social, and introspection needs.

That was a crappy plan.

Tomorrow's the clean-up of the old house. If I can I'm going to nap this afternoon, cuddle up with my sweetheart this evening, and spend most of Sunday taking care of my stuff so I can start the new week with less stress and more energy.

Time for a new normal

This has probably been the busiest month I've ever had and although it was full of awesome, I'm glad it's coming to an end. Between my move at the beginning of the month, Megan's move this past weekend, unpacking, work, and shopping for the bits and pieces... I'm just exhausted.

This Friday, John is moving out of the house and Saturday afternoon we're all going to clean it out and wash it down to leave it tidy for the owner. The next day is June 1st, the first day of the next chapter in my life.

Megan got the place!

It's right across the street. I'm going to see her all the time. Were both very happy about this. :D That is all. 

Lessons From Childhood - Changing

My eyes change colour. They're usually a blue, sometimes a green, and only grey when I'm uber ticked off. 

Some people find this mystical, others think I'm making it up, for a few years as a tween I considered it a natural talent I could hone, I'm currently of the opinion its an involuntary blood vessel/light refraction thing. During the time I thought I could learn to control it, I had a dream. 

~In the dream I was standing in my bathroom, staring in the mirror over the sink, practising changing the colour of my eyes. Blue, to green, to grey, back to blue. It got easier as I tried til I was bored and confidant I could switch to any of those three with just a thought and minor push of will. Then I realized I hadn't tried brown yet. 

I tried just as I had with the other colours, willing my eyes to change but nothing happened. Getting frustrated I put as much pressure as I could behind it trying to force the change... then I felt the pressure pop and was filled with that slightly ill feeling of an injury that just occurred and you don't want to look at cause it doesn't hurt yet and you don't really want to know how bad it is.

Slowly I looked up... my eyes were blue, except for one hard edged wedge of vibrant medium brown. Looking at it I knew that the section of brown was always going to be there, and that I had completely destroyed my ability to willingly change my eye colour forever.

~

I know it was "just" a dream, but ever since I've thought of the brown representing any knowledge or skill, and the overall dream meaning I shouldn't push/hurry my personal growth or learning process. 

The reason all this came back to me is that I happened to look in the mirror today, and found that my eyes have been changing over the years. I now have a golden brown ring around the pupil. Maybe by the time I'm old and wise my eyes will be as vibrantly brown as my mother's.


(edit: Mom corrected me. She has the brown, dad has the blue.)

Our main skill seems to be ignoring

Human beings are fascinating creatures. We have high functioning brains, fairly decent senses, and the ability to empathize... And yet our most glorious feature seems to be the fact that we can ignore things.

Consciously or unconsciously we ignore not just most, but I'd say 85-90% of our lives. No one pays attention to the details if breathing in and out, or the texture and placement of every article of clothing,  or even all the sights and sounds of the world around us, let alone all the concepts and constructs around us.

Now this isnt a bad thing. I don't think we could get anything done if we had to pay attention to everything. I try to picture living aware of everything we sense... its what I imagine hard drugs are like. We'd be sitting starring into space, unable to put two words together. Brain overloaded, no processing power to even think "wow this is a lot".

Unfortunately, it's not all good. This power to ignore means we often can create internal narratives that outweigh the real world in our brain as the truth. That sort of thinking leads to abuse, racism,  classism, stalkers,  etc.

As with everything else, it's important to use what tools you have for good,  and carefully shun overuse to avoid the negative side.

Long weekend.

Megan, her mother Ann and I have been busy checking out apartments and otherwise I've been trying to give her space and time to get done what ever she needs to do but talking to Megan Thursday I found out she was much more stressed than I realized and she asked for help. I told her I'd come over Friday for superheroes and then kick her ass all Saturday to get stuff packed and a decision to be made by where to apply to by Monday.

Friday night after work we saw FOUR apartments in TWO hours, WALKING from place to place. Oh boy did our feet hurt. 1st=meh, 2nd=nice, 3rd=nice, 4th=oh-hell-no.  Superheroes and take-out went well as usual but the funniest bit was when I reminded Megan that it was 10:30 so we should turn in and both her mom and John laughed thinking that Megan "never goes to bed that early on a weekend". I reminded them that we had a big day ahead and that if either of them were interested, breakfast would be served at 7:30. They laughed even more at that but we just shook out heads and went to bed.
 - - -
Saturday I woke up early and got the coffee and breakfast ready then woke Megan and we enjoyed a nice quiet breakfast alone before Ann joined us for tea and we planned the day. When John came upstairs at 9:30, I was helping Ann sort out the shopping list. He asked "so where's this breakfast I heard about?', Ann told him "seems we missed it" and he seemed so shocked that we had actually got up at 7. lol

We started packing and I only had to poke Meg a few times to keep her on track. :) I had a schedule planned out for us, an hour and a half of work, half hour break, then another hour and a half of packing before lunch. Throughout the morning I was called evil, slave-driver, drill-sergeant, you get the point, but it was all in good humour and although we were tired and sweaty by lunch time, we had accomplished quite a bit of the pesky tiny stuff.

During lunch we discussed the apartments we'd seen and the pros and cons of each and Megan eventually narrowed it down by process of elimination to...... THE ONE ACROSS THE STREET FROM ME!!!!!!

Calling up the manager we made sure it was still available then came down to fill out the paperwork. Mom and sis were out for the evening so I had Meg and Ann over for dinner.
 - - -
Sunday, I just needed a day off. I did my laundry but didn't put it away, or do groceries, or anything.... we just watched Modern Family and I tried out my new food processor by making hummus. Yum.

 - - -
Tomorrow I'll be working on the holiday Monday so I'll be hanging out at work making the big bucks. :)

Running

I mentioned to a friend the other day that I didn't think I had any errands or chores planned for after work Thursday, and that made me feel like I was forgetting something. She understood completely and said it was just because I've been so busy lately. I have to agree. With moving, hosting the house-warming, unpacking, setting up house, work, having a cold, helping my sweetheart find an apartment, and still trying to squeeze in a social life of some sort... I've been going non-stop for a month now. It's probably half of why I'm sick.

This morning I was pondering my financial situation and coming to the same conclusion. I finally have a little wiggle room to breathe and after years of confinement, it feels weird and wrong like I'm forgetting a bill somewhere and it's going to bite me in the ass any day now.

I pictured it this morning like I've been running a race for years now, barely ahead of the others. I pushed so hard on one stretch that I lost my map, and then suddenly I looked around, and I have no clue where any of the other runners are. I'm either so far ahead that I can't see them behind me, or I took a wrong turn some where and when I find my way back to the track I'll be so far behind I'll never catch up.

This is why I like being super organized. It allows me to not only plan for the future, but relax in the present knowing exactly what I can and can't do. Unfortunately I've been too busy to sit down and get all the ducks lined up. I DID get everything planned out leading up to the move. I had the next two years sorted out so I could pay everything and have a nice nest egg at the end of it. It's just that I know life never follows the plan and I haven't been updating it to reality so I'm scared I'm way off track. 

I've been running all my life. Running away, running toward, running from, running in place, running the household, running my life, running around my brain, running off my mouth, running ahead, running behind... I've been running so long I don't know how to take a stroll through the park any more. I've NEVER been on a proper leave-town-for-2weeks-vacation. My few trips have been air cadet summer camp as a child, weekend trailer park "camping" as a young adult(on someone else's dime), or moving to another city. It may be that all this running is just running me into an early grave, but I don't know how to slow down.

I'm hoping the next few months will give me the opportunity to learn.

Lessons From Childhood - Drowning

A friend and I were probably about 10 years old and were swimming at the public pool. We had decided to play lifeguard and "rescue" each other. I was the lifeguard first and she did the standard "help help save me" routine high out of the water with arms flailing so I jumped in and dragged her to the side. All good. 

A few minutes later was my turn to get rescued so I swam out into the middle and splashed a little but let myself sink so my mouth was level with the water letting it in and spitting it out and generally having fun inside my brain marvelling at how I can look like I'm drowning and still be in full control/safe. 

... That's when a strong arm wrapped around me and in less than 10 seconds I was sitting on the edge of the pool. The lifeguard asked me a bunch of questions like how long I had been swimming and if I usually stay in the shallow end, etc. I was spun around mentally by the game becoming reality, and I was so embarrassed about making the lifeguard dive in, and I was certain he was going to kick me out. I felt like I was drowning for real this time but drowning in embarrassment and confusion. I just couldn't tell him it was all a game and see that disappointment. It would be too much.

Instead, I said that I do usually swim in the deep end, and I don't know what the problem was, and no I didn't have a cramp, and sorry for being so much trouble. That's when he asked me if maybe I just got a bit over tired. I latched onto that lifeline and vehemently agreed that must have been the problem and thanks again and sorry for being so much trouble and I'll be much more careful next time. 

I got sent to the shallow end for the rest of the day but now that I'm older... I wonder if he knew. 

A Week After The Move

So it's been a long week. Moved Monday and been busy all week unpacking and getting ready for the housewarming party. We had a few friends over for the afternoon. 

Mmmmmm... Gluten-free Snacks!

Tonight I've come back to the old place to share pizza and super hero shows.  First thing I did when I got here was the weed the garden of course. :)

There's lots of the little keys sprouting around the edges but guess what! There's also plenty of stuff I actually plantedc growing too. 

Yay!