In and Out

Breathe with me... in, and out. 
In, and out. 
Again in, and out... 
Now out some more, 
out, 
all the way out, 
out til it hurts, 
then keep breathing out.

Life has rhythms. The tide has to come in before it can go out, you have to fill a dish before you can empty it, you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. That last one seems to be my lesson this life time.

I thought I'd learned after the psycho-ex, after the man-child, after the lump, but still I give too much too often and leave myself empty and running on fumes. There's no longer an anchor, a leech, or a vampire... now it's all me.

I'm saying yes to more than I can handle. I'm helping everyone under the sun except me. I'm making sure loved ones eat and sleep regularly, while ignoring my own physical needs. I'm putting on a brave face and powering through, when all I really want to do is sleep for a week solid.

Taking stock today: I haven't eaten enough the past few days, when I do eat it's usually junk, I'm dehydrated, I haven't been sleeping well, my bedroom's a disaster which keeps me from relaxing fully in it, I even haven't gotten to updating the address on my health-card yet.

This is not good.

I thrive when all my ducks are lined up neat and tidy. This chaos just breeds more chaos. I feel exhausted. I forget things. I feel too lazy to do the little tidying things that makes my room so much more comfortable. I'm too lazy to make food so I eat little besides what mom makes so I get even more tired. This is not a good spiral to be in. I want off this ride.

I kept telling myself that this month was a wash. Just power through and get-shit-done and next month I'll take the time to take care of my food, exercise, organization, social, and introspection needs.

That was a crappy plan.

Tomorrow's the clean-up of the old house. If I can I'm going to nap this afternoon, cuddle up with my sweetheart this evening, and spend most of Sunday taking care of my stuff so I can start the new week with less stress and more energy.