Heart-string Kites

My past still tuggs on me

like kites tied to my heart-strings.

Often they go unnoticed

but occasionally there's a gust.

I'm no puppet,

the tugging can't make me dance.

And yet, I don't have the power

to cut the strings.

 

Sometimes I think I want to,

and forgetting seems the best course.

But those who forget history repeat it,

and I'd rather occasional reminders,

than living through the pain again.

Habits and Goal Tracking

I seem to consistantly forget that when the bus is on Holiday schedule,  it doesn't come by my house early enough for me to take it to work. This wouldn't be a problem if I remembered because it's only a 40 min walk, but since the bus usually picks me up 35 min before work, by the time I remember/figure out why the bus hasn't arrived... I'm 5-10 min late for work.

I'm going to stop this habit by setting a separate alarm the next time I know I'm working a holiday so I get warned to walk in enough time to actually do it.

I'm going to cultivate some other habits with the Habitbull app. It'll help me keep track of daily stuff like drinking enough water, how often I walk to and from work, as well as my new exercise and eating programs.

Life is simple to track when the answers to your questions are yes or no. (E.g. "did I walk to work today" is a much simpler question than "how many calories did I burn")

The Horrid B-word

That's right, budgeting. In the past I have attempted to record all my monetary transactions so that I'd be able to regulate my spending. This has worked... for a few weeks, and once as long as 6 months. Unfortunately it's time consuming and not really as helpful as it should be for the effort put in.

That said, in a few days I'm going to start again. This time it will be for a pre-set time(one month) and I will use that data documenting my new frugality as a starting point to set rules for myself that I can actually live with for 2-3 years. I figure that if I do this right, I can set most bills to automatic including transferring money to the savings account. That way only the non-automatic things like groceries, bus tickets, laundry, and cat litter will need to be paid by hand. I'll set myself a budget for those items and keep track of groceries as it's the only thing I can really chose to spend less on if needed.

I'm hoping that by making myself some easy to follow guidelines I won't have to stress about each and every transaction while still becoming a super-saver.

Steeplechase

So sitting with a pen and paper I thought about the course ahead and what sort of hurdles I might encounter. Some were obvious as well as their solutions... others less so. The bold seem to be the best.

• Getting produce to customers may be an issue since I don't have a drivers licence let alone a truck.
1. I could just use a horse, but horses aren't allowed in city limits without circus permits.
2. I could get an electric scooter and cart, but that wouldn't hold much and would only go so fast making delivery a longer, harder process that may endanger fragile items.
3. I could get a business partner who drives.
4. I could get my licence and a vehicle.
• Although I have plenty of book learning, I don't have nearly enough hands on experience to be 100% confidant solo.
1. Go Woofing. 
• I'll need a lot more money then I currently have for land and start up costs. The set-up alone will be a big chunk and then I'll need operating capital for the first year till the food starts coming in.
1. Scrimp and save for the next 3 years. (Probably not enough)
2. Find an investor
3. Get help from the small business centre to apply for government loan and grant options.
• I don't know if I can physically do all the labour required by myself
1. Find a business partner
2. Rope friends and family into joining my on this adventure
3. Hire help (maybe later on when bigger?)

• I am a bit out of shape. I'll need to be fit to work effectively.
1. I'm going to use the No-S diet and a schedule of dancing and body weight exercises to get back into peak condition
• I'm going to need a rifle for wildlife control and emergency use
1. Get licence & train on use

That's about it for now but I'm sure I'll think of more later. Goodnight world and sweet dreams.

Growing Forward

All this must be done before building the actual farm. This is the foundation for the future. Other than the first one that I'm currently working on, these can be done simultaneously.

Take stock. Figure out where I am financially, physically, and mentally.

Get into shape. Commit to exercise , education, and saving plans that will take me where I need to be.

Build bridges. Go to small business networking meetings and make friends in the online farming communities.

Write a business plan. With the help of the small business center, write a proper business plan with the goal of having not only a blueprint for the business, but also a tool that may help get some funding.

Wonder how this will turn out...

Wrote this at work on my breaks. Testing to see if this works or just looks dumb.

I was thinking today...

My decision making process seems to have very distinct steps. 

Step 0:  Hear or conceive of an idea that may be useful.
Step 1:  Mull it over in my head until I (finally) decide I'm missing some key information.
Step 2:  Research, research, research. Get as much info as possible. This may include discussing the idea with friends/family/etc.
Step 3:  Analyse the data. Run the numbers or set up a pro/con chart or whatever. Return to step 2 as needed.
Step 4:  Make a decision which may include a timeline, budget, or even a date to re-evaluate.
Step 5:  Do it.


To be fair... I sometimes have problems with step 5.  :">

In and Out

Breathe with me... in, and out. 
In, and out. 
Again in, and out... 
Now out some more, 
out, 
all the way out, 
out til it hurts, 
then keep breathing out.

Life has rhythms. The tide has to come in before it can go out, you have to fill a dish before you can empty it, you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. That last one seems to be my lesson this life time.

I thought I'd learned after the psycho-ex, after the man-child, after the lump, but still I give too much too often and leave myself empty and running on fumes. There's no longer an anchor, a leech, or a vampire... now it's all me.

I'm saying yes to more than I can handle. I'm helping everyone under the sun except me. I'm making sure loved ones eat and sleep regularly, while ignoring my own physical needs. I'm putting on a brave face and powering through, when all I really want to do is sleep for a week solid.

Taking stock today: I haven't eaten enough the past few days, when I do eat it's usually junk, I'm dehydrated, I haven't been sleeping well, my bedroom's a disaster which keeps me from relaxing fully in it, I even haven't gotten to updating the address on my health-card yet.

This is not good.

I thrive when all my ducks are lined up neat and tidy. This chaos just breeds more chaos. I feel exhausted. I forget things. I feel too lazy to do the little tidying things that makes my room so much more comfortable. I'm too lazy to make food so I eat little besides what mom makes so I get even more tired. This is not a good spiral to be in. I want off this ride.

I kept telling myself that this month was a wash. Just power through and get-shit-done and next month I'll take the time to take care of my food, exercise, organization, social, and introspection needs.

That was a crappy plan.

Tomorrow's the clean-up of the old house. If I can I'm going to nap this afternoon, cuddle up with my sweetheart this evening, and spend most of Sunday taking care of my stuff so I can start the new week with less stress and more energy.

Lessons From Childhood - Changing

My eyes change colour. They're usually a blue, sometimes a green, and only grey when I'm uber ticked off. 

Some people find this mystical, others think I'm making it up, for a few years as a tween I considered it a natural talent I could hone, I'm currently of the opinion its an involuntary blood vessel/light refraction thing. During the time I thought I could learn to control it, I had a dream. 

~In the dream I was standing in my bathroom, staring in the mirror over the sink, practising changing the colour of my eyes. Blue, to green, to grey, back to blue. It got easier as I tried til I was bored and confidant I could switch to any of those three with just a thought and minor push of will. Then I realized I hadn't tried brown yet. 

I tried just as I had with the other colours, willing my eyes to change but nothing happened. Getting frustrated I put as much pressure as I could behind it trying to force the change... then I felt the pressure pop and was filled with that slightly ill feeling of an injury that just occurred and you don't want to look at cause it doesn't hurt yet and you don't really want to know how bad it is.

Slowly I looked up... my eyes were blue, except for one hard edged wedge of vibrant medium brown. Looking at it I knew that the section of brown was always going to be there, and that I had completely destroyed my ability to willingly change my eye colour forever.

~

I know it was "just" a dream, but ever since I've thought of the brown representing any knowledge or skill, and the overall dream meaning I shouldn't push/hurry my personal growth or learning process. 

The reason all this came back to me is that I happened to look in the mirror today, and found that my eyes have been changing over the years. I now have a golden brown ring around the pupil. Maybe by the time I'm old and wise my eyes will be as vibrantly brown as my mother's.


(edit: Mom corrected me. She has the brown, dad has the blue.)

Our main skill seems to be ignoring

Human beings are fascinating creatures. We have high functioning brains, fairly decent senses, and the ability to empathize... And yet our most glorious feature seems to be the fact that we can ignore things.

Consciously or unconsciously we ignore not just most, but I'd say 85-90% of our lives. No one pays attention to the details if breathing in and out, or the texture and placement of every article of clothing,  or even all the sights and sounds of the world around us, let alone all the concepts and constructs around us.

Now this isnt a bad thing. I don't think we could get anything done if we had to pay attention to everything. I try to picture living aware of everything we sense... its what I imagine hard drugs are like. We'd be sitting starring into space, unable to put two words together. Brain overloaded, no processing power to even think "wow this is a lot".

Unfortunately, it's not all good. This power to ignore means we often can create internal narratives that outweigh the real world in our brain as the truth. That sort of thinking leads to abuse, racism,  classism, stalkers,  etc.

As with everything else, it's important to use what tools you have for good,  and carefully shun overuse to avoid the negative side.

Running

I mentioned to a friend the other day that I didn't think I had any errands or chores planned for after work Thursday, and that made me feel like I was forgetting something. She understood completely and said it was just because I've been so busy lately. I have to agree. With moving, hosting the house-warming, unpacking, setting up house, work, having a cold, helping my sweetheart find an apartment, and still trying to squeeze in a social life of some sort... I've been going non-stop for a month now. It's probably half of why I'm sick.

This morning I was pondering my financial situation and coming to the same conclusion. I finally have a little wiggle room to breathe and after years of confinement, it feels weird and wrong like I'm forgetting a bill somewhere and it's going to bite me in the ass any day now.

I pictured it this morning like I've been running a race for years now, barely ahead of the others. I pushed so hard on one stretch that I lost my map, and then suddenly I looked around, and I have no clue where any of the other runners are. I'm either so far ahead that I can't see them behind me, or I took a wrong turn some where and when I find my way back to the track I'll be so far behind I'll never catch up.

This is why I like being super organized. It allows me to not only plan for the future, but relax in the present knowing exactly what I can and can't do. Unfortunately I've been too busy to sit down and get all the ducks lined up. I DID get everything planned out leading up to the move. I had the next two years sorted out so I could pay everything and have a nice nest egg at the end of it. It's just that I know life never follows the plan and I haven't been updating it to reality so I'm scared I'm way off track. 

I've been running all my life. Running away, running toward, running from, running in place, running the household, running my life, running around my brain, running off my mouth, running ahead, running behind... I've been running so long I don't know how to take a stroll through the park any more. I've NEVER been on a proper leave-town-for-2weeks-vacation. My few trips have been air cadet summer camp as a child, weekend trailer park "camping" as a young adult(on someone else's dime), or moving to another city. It may be that all this running is just running me into an early grave, but I don't know how to slow down.

I'm hoping the next few months will give me the opportunity to learn.

Lessons From Childhood - Drowning

A friend and I were probably about 10 years old and were swimming at the public pool. We had decided to play lifeguard and "rescue" each other. I was the lifeguard first and she did the standard "help help save me" routine high out of the water with arms flailing so I jumped in and dragged her to the side. All good. 

A few minutes later was my turn to get rescued so I swam out into the middle and splashed a little but let myself sink so my mouth was level with the water letting it in and spitting it out and generally having fun inside my brain marvelling at how I can look like I'm drowning and still be in full control/safe. 

... That's when a strong arm wrapped around me and in less than 10 seconds I was sitting on the edge of the pool. The lifeguard asked me a bunch of questions like how long I had been swimming and if I usually stay in the shallow end, etc. I was spun around mentally by the game becoming reality, and I was so embarrassed about making the lifeguard dive in, and I was certain he was going to kick me out. I felt like I was drowning for real this time but drowning in embarrassment and confusion. I just couldn't tell him it was all a game and see that disappointment. It would be too much.

Instead, I said that I do usually swim in the deep end, and I don't know what the problem was, and no I didn't have a cramp, and sorry for being so much trouble. That's when he asked me if maybe I just got a bit over tired. I latched onto that lifeline and vehemently agreed that must have been the problem and thanks again and sorry for being so much trouble and I'll be much more careful next time. 

I got sent to the shallow end for the rest of the day but now that I'm older... I wonder if he knew.